it's a holiday and everything is fucked up

.....so I don't give a rat-shit if anyone is entertained or not.

Choke to death on your turkey.

Ask Jesus to save you from the sweet potatoes. Blech.

If you need more proof that Republicans are morons....

Big bridge scary him! Boo!!!

Why is California doomed? It's not because of the flaky liberals, it's because of all the old farts who vote against any taxes.....

What does it mean? It means you're a paranoid twat.

Why do I hate science-fiction conventions? Try this out.

Not all Orthodox rabbis are boring.

Don't move to Nevada, unless you like the taste of uranium and arsenic in your tap water.

Yeah, the United Kingdom is now run by complete asswipes. Yep. Whoopee.

The best thing ever written about Sarah Palin's idiot book.

Why do people like Daniel Brandt hate Google? Let us count the ways.

Ask Wikipedia: just FYI, Nerissa was one of the major characters in Shakespeare's Merchant of Venice. But if you type the name "Nerissa" into Wikipedia's search box, you won't get Shakespeare. You'll get this instead. A character in a fucking comic book.

Blog Hell: Bill Cooke is a total shit-dick. Why? Because he got Carlos Miller, a far more famous blogger, fired from his job. Just to be a dick, apparently.

If you're gonna make a stupid TV ad, this is how you do it.

Yes, we are clearly stuck in the worst Silly Season in living memory.

Don't complain too much. At least this didn't happen to you.

Hungry? Well, if you're in Lehigh, PA, you might want to avoid the Lehigh Pub. Why? If you don't pay the 18% gratuity, they'll have you arrested. Bonus: here's their Yelp page and here's their Rateitall page. Read the comments. Yee-haw. (And my fave part: the Lehigh Valley newspaper did not mention this story at all.)

And if you're hungry in Lower Manhattan, you might wish to avoid a snobby French place called Paradou. Not only is it expensive, the owner is a major douchebag. And he hates being criticized. Result? Here's their Citysearch page and here's their Yelp page. Have some more foie gras!



Who is Kurt Greenbaum? He's an unimportant asshole who works at the St. Louis Post-Dispatch. One day, his idiot newspaper ran a stupid survey on its website. A (private) school employee gave a snotty answer. Kurt decided to "find the guy", and passed his IP address to the school headmaster. Result: the guy lost his job. Kurt, meanwhile, is smug about the whole affair. (And here's the revenge website. Hey Kurt.....you apparently suck. Sorry. Have a nice day, Kurt. By the way, Kurt, you shithead, you used your home address to register your website domain. Hope 14393 Rainy Lake Drive is in a nice neighborhood, and that you like to get random magazines and catalogs, not to mention hate mail. Oh, yeah, the 4chan /b/tards are onto you. Bye Kurt!)


Oh, and btw, for those that don't know it---there's a hacker's website where revenge schemes against online douchebags are listed.



Disband the ABA! I'm on board!!



Insane Artist Corner: the clowns who put on the "Kinkade Cannibalized" show. They would be smart to ignore Kinkade instead. Don't give the bastard any more free publicity.


Still haven't gotten the "SHIT PLANET" idea yet? Then I can't help you, and piss off. At least you're not being chased by a really big bear.

Are you an "ARA"?

That's short for "Ayn Rand Asshole", okay?
Read all about it.

Wanna see an amazingly stupid boycott? See what these twats are doing.

Things a bit crazy in America lately? Well.....In Russia, it's always crazy time.

How much do you love Star Trek? Enough to pay $249 for a replica tricorder?

If you think your local politicians are dicks, read about Colorado state senator Dave Schultheis. He's the king of dickery.

Insane Artist Corner: nothing I've seen in the last few weeks approaches the work of Tom Sanford for sheer WTFism. Especially his painting “The Assassination of Dimebag Darrell”, a painting which apparently produces death threats. (And you probably thought metalheads were insensitive, ha ha.)

Is there really a need for AntiDuckface?

Once again, I never see much of anything in American media about the fact that Mexico is dissolving into outright civil war. Thanks to the glorious "War On Drugs", now in its 40th year. With no success and plenty of fail.

Man of Jesus and Great American, Tony Alamo, isn't so great after all.

Blog Hell: A truly disturbing blog is being written by the Davises. They are a boring, rigidly doctrinaire Jesus-freak couple who moved to an unspecified city in China, apparently for the purpose of adopting a child. They are blogging their brain-damaged child rearing methods with obsessive detail. And they don't like criticism.

If you're curious about anime, but don't have Netflix and don't want to pay for the usually-out-of-print DVDs, now there's a site that streams loads of popular series, for free (as far as I can tell). Legal? Don't ask me.....

America: Home of the "Back-Up"!

What's a "Back-Up"?
It's a shotgun rack....for your bed.

Thasright, turkeys! $39.95 for four steel straps riveted together!
Hallelujah, Jesus, Gawd Bless The Second Amendment And Idiot Capitalism!!!!

And speaking of Jeeezus.....in case you hadn't heard, Ted Haggard is starting a new church. And he's using Twitter to set it up.


Plus! If you ever go to Idaho, and encounter a local Republican political figure...ask him about Blake Hall. As always, Stinque has a much more fair and balanced take on Mr. Hall's legal problems! (In case you're wondering, yes, he's a Mormon! A Mormon with lots of used condoms! He's a condoMormon!)

Weird fetishes? How about writing stories about wrapping Roy Orbison up in cling-film?

Into goats instead? Try the Ultimate Goat Fansite!

Love law and order instead? Suck on this. And this.

And if you still think Southerners are getting a bum rap, read this charming tale. They're exploitable!

Insane Artist Corner: Matt Inman's golden creation, The Oatmeal. And don't forget the three loonies responsible for Buttersafe.

"You have to shoot a cattle beast between the eyes really. After about five shots they killed the bugger. They had no idea. They were urban policemen with no idea about rural stock. They needed to let him calm down. It was cowboyish and outrageous." Complete with a photo of idiots posing with the dead steer.

I ask you....why isn't more sports writing like this?

Can't think of a good gift for the holidays? How about some Turd Tape?

And my personal favorite. This was in the new issue of Music Trades magazine, which they sent me along with the inevitable begging for advertising dollars, pre-NAMM show. Unfortunately, since Music Trades is run by the slimy money-grubbing Majeski family, the magazine's content isn't available online except at considerable extra cost.

So I scanned this chart for your amusement:

It's okay! Everything is wonderful!!..........

Vagina? What's a vagina?

This is the best thing anyone has ever done with the He-Man cartoons.

Yet another article claiming that California is doomed. But don't ask the governor, he's too busy insulting people.

There are many, many wikis and information sites dealing with deep-nerd subjects. But you will be hard-put to find one as obsessed with detail as the Internet Movie Firearms Database. For example, the entry for Black Lagoon.

Michael Laws, the mayor of Wanganui, New Zealand and a radio personality, is a "colorful character". Meaning, he's a bigot, and a misanthrope, and a bully, and a demon, and an egomaniac, and a twit. Otherwise he's a good all-round bloke.

Why haven't we seen any of this in American news media?

And why does bullshit like this happen all the time, but we rarely hear about it?

How would you like to be gunned down by a cop, because he "seemed a bit frustrated"?

There's something vaguely appealing about the idea of electrocuting drunken Irishmen, whilst they urinate on a storefront. But I can't quite put my finger on it.

Asians are not any less prone to craziness than anyone else. For example, we have the Koreans thinking that the Chinese eat baby soup.

Have another classic WorldNetDaily story--about skin cream made from "aborted babies". Mmmm, baby.

Why do older people still think that 60 Minutes is a reliable, trustworthy investigative program? They fuck up just as much as any other TV news production.

Just a few days ago, the world's largest ocean liner was launched. The press release says things like "bigger than 7 Titanics" and "taller than a 20-story building". (It's basically a hotel and shopping mall mounted on an oil-tanker hull. And it might bankrupt Royal Caribbean yet--it was started before the financial meltdown, and they had to borrow some of the cash from Finland.)

"You have the right to legal representation"? Not in this jail.

Need a weird b&w photograph? Try this blog.

Yes. Jeremy Clarkson is, indeed, a massive twat.

I have no problem finding bloggers who say the same thing. People even say it on Clarkson's fan site. Plus, there are two different Facebooks dedicated to this proposition. Therefore, I must conclude that he is clearly a twat.

""I would characterize it as hazing," he said, claiming that Thompson was told by the others, "If you masturbate your K-9 unit, you'll have greater control over it.""

Stockton, Utah, is obviously a shithole. Thus. (And FYI, Stockton is next to the Deseret Chemical Depot, one of the world's largest stockpiles of nerve gas. Soon to be out of business, thus making towns like Stockton a bit ghosty.)

Blog Hell: Make Total Destroy looks like scads of fun.

I'm sorry to report that the Emery Espresso Bar in Bradford, PA, has closed their doors. And posted this on their website. (I wonder why.)


There seems to be a better-than-50% probability that the police department of Worcester, Massachusetts, is run by a bunch of slags.

Two top-grade Insane Artist Corner items this week.

First, oglaf.com, an excellently nasty webcomic by Aussie cartoonist Trudy Cooper.

And, the SMart Show, a cooperative show of artists doing work somehow involving Kevin Smith. Why Kevin Smith? I have no fucking idea. Perhaps they're all huge Clerks fans. Or something.

"So what does it take to be a successful CEO of an investment bank? In "The Murder of Lehman Brothers," the pseudonymous Joseph Tibman, a Lehman veteran, offers an instructive look at the young Dick Fuld, an aggressive trader who went on to helm the company, and ultimately lead it to its demise." That's why things suck on this lump--it's run by hostile children.

Scientology's hold on people is a true mystery. Read about why Paul Haggis quit the "church" for an instructive example.

Endless examples of the backward, dominant-male-neurotic nature of Muslim societies appear in the news media. Two new ones here and here. And yet, the number of Muslims in the world continues to increase faster than other religions.

Whoever did this is a genius. I wish I could find the creator, in order to administer the First Prize: a stun gun session. Behold the Mystery Of Life.

Last night was a beautiful warm Friday evening. What did I do last night?

Last night, we buried Mommy the cat in the backyard.

She was just a little stray tabby that moved into the garage in 2004, and had a litter of kittens. For five years she lived here, quietly and peacefully. Earlier, Kathleen let Mommy out into the yard, and for reasons that defy understanding, she jumped the fence into the yard next door. There are two loud and mean dogs there, and all 3 cats know better -- we thought. Anyway, Mommy was promptly mauled to death by one of the dogs. We found the body only after realizing she hadn't come back in the evening, which she always did.
 
That is the only photo I have of her.

Mommy was a very cute and cuddly cat -- easygoing, lazy as hell, chubby, and a pleasure to share our home with. Could be a bit bitchy at times, but you forgave her quickly. Not neurotic or destructive at all.

I hate it when such tragic things happen, for no damned reason. And you wonder why I'm so cynical about general conditions on this mudball.

Yeah, Milhouse, hurry up!

THIScomic is my kinda comic. But it hurts my head.

Oh, yeah, great idea.

Twitter software engineer Alex Paine had some choice comments about San Francisco.....and set off a firestorm. (Too bad he's right.)


Blog Hell: this insane woman claimed that TSA agents snatched her son away at the Atlanta airport. Sadly, the TSA had a different take on it--complete with surveillance video.
(Could be worse. She could be running a blog dedicated to the stupid Twilight movies, and her hamster. Or she could be the twit responsible for Slap Shed Studio.)

Now, here's a worthwhile idea for a blog: I Found Your Camera.

"The agency said the Chicago-based airline did not follow its own maintenance procedures in December 2007 when towels instead of protective caps were used to cover openings in the "oil sump" area of the engine. The plane had to return to Denver after shutting down an engine because of low oil-pressure indications, the FAA said. "I think the FAA was a little bit more concerned about something like that," Waldock said."

Do you have an account on Stickam? You might want to rethink using it. (Unless you're really into icky things, that is.)

Insane Artist Corner: Brendan Lott finds weird and disturbing photos online in random places, and sends them to one of those Chinese companies that converts any photo into an oil painting (such as this outfit). The result: a bunch of really demented paintings. That Lott himself did not actually paint. Outsource everything, baby!



It's actually a nice, happy day, isn't it? Please remember to ask, for example, the Fritts family. Or Bessie Mae Berger.

And if you think your Modern Technological Lifestyle isn't causing much harm really, Chris Jordan has some photos for you to look at.

Perhaps I should have a new irregular feature about demented Japanese culture. Let's call it, say, All Aboard The Crazy Train To Shinjuku or somesuch. In this case, it has to do with obscure idol singer Erika Yazawa, and her sudden rocket to fame....as the star of a new TV show called The Ancient Dogoo Girl. More here. Prepare to see stupid Japanophile men talk about Erika's magical tits.......for the next 40 years.

And now: an awesome and unbelieveable hunk of burning stupidity from my neck of the woods.
It involves a Ukiah history teacher--who was accused of racism.
For using the word "niggardly".

His name, Dennis Boaz, rang a bell with me.....turns out he was Gary Gilmore's lawyer and agent. The very lawyer/agent that Gilmore fired, because Gilmore wanted to die, and Boaz didn't agree to it....poor Dennis, reduced to teaching history in Ukiah and arguing with the idiots who run his school district. Tsk.

Finally, a few choice words from Ted Turner: "You know, if you economize and don’t buy new airplanes or long-range jets, or that sort of thing, you can get by on a billion or two." On the one hand, Ted's comments about Afghanistan are dead-on. On the other hand, Ted's still a gigantic asshole.


I bet you work at this place, don't you?:

ohgodohgodohgod THE GRAPES ARE ROTTING AND KARL IS A FUCKTARD

The world in mired in recession, America is mired in a pointless war in Afghanistan, the country is tearing itself apart. And what do the fools in Snobby Wine Country worry about? "Ohgodohgodohgod, bunch rot!" 
(And I'll have you know that it was the top headline on the front page of the Press-Democrat today.)


DO NOT TRUST YOUR DOCTOR. Always get a second opinion, and a third if need be. Because the entire medical "industry" has been corrupt and arrogant for decades. You want a really juicy example? Consider the terrible story of the Therac-25 machine. They think that it killed three people---that they know of. (A product of a company wholly owned by the Canadian government, thank you very much.)

"Oh, that was 20 years ago, it doesn't happen anymore!" Bullshit.

X-rays are lots of fun! "For most effective use of Rapiscan technology, subjects are likely to be required to keep their legs slightly apart and raise their arms in a near-salute – a pose that devotees of a certain form of NSFW art may well recognise as potentially pornographic."

Blog Hell: an excellent one for all your good little Republican friends and relatives: Politifail. Plus, infamous defense attorney Mary Prevost uses her blog to stir up trouble.

Tell me again what a Golden Happy Land the Silicon Valley is....."Disgraced prosecutor Ben Field left the Santa Clara County District Attorney's Office three months ago — but his legacy lives on. On Friday, the county announced it will pay $750,000 to settle a lawsuit stemming from Field's questionable tactics in a criminal case."

James Ray is a hero of New Age self-help! That is, unless he kills you in a sweat lodge.....

First, Microsoft bought out Danger, creators of the popular Sidekick smartphone platform.
Then, Microsoft forced out most of Danger's best developers.
And put the remainder to work on something called "Project Pink".
Which turned out to be a disaster.
(Dan Dilger will tell you more. Read it all. It's funny.)

And the punchline: one day after the Project Pink atrocity became public, Microsoft announced that all the data stored for current Sidekick users had been lost. And of course, the users blamed T-Mobile, even though it was ultimately the fault of Microsoft and the low-bid contractor they hired, Hitachi Data Systems. (Why don't you shitheads try wedging Steve Ballmer's ample thighs up your asses instead? At least you won't be worrying about losing your data.)

This looks like an amusing book. (Probably contains a lot of bullshit, though.)

Metafilter Is Shit: Obscure BBC-TV producer Barry Letts recently died. And the MeFuckers practically shit themselves with pathetic sadness. Because Letts worked on Doctor Who in its early days.....

I'm starting to think that Top Gear star Jeremy Clarkson is an enormous twat. For example: he cheerfully admits that he can recite any Monty Python sketch.....from memory. In fact, he's such a huge twat, the Bristol Automobile company refuses to loan him a car for review. And he jokes about it.

At last, someone found a valid use for Twitter: computer security researcher Mikko Hypponen posts scary computer security holes on his Twitter page. At least, he did.....until Twitter's idiot management killed it.

Oh, wonderful. Now there's a comic book about psychotic Congressfreak Michele Bachmann.

Oddly enough, People Of Wal-Mart started out poorly. But apparently they've been getting hundreds of photos of freaks at random Wal-Marts. Now it's a downright disturbing database.

Insane Artist Corner: whenever fans of Japanese manga talk about who is the craziest, most twisted horror manga author, one name keeps coming up: Shintaro Kago. A guy who cheerfully admits that his work is "shit". If you need proof, someone has scanned some of Kago's most notorious titles and posted them here, along with several other incredibly disturbing mangas.

And speaking of insane Japanese shit, the director of Tokyo Gore Police, Yoshihiro Nishimura, has a new one. Here's the trailer. And have a nice day. :P

Gee Dad, it's not Christmas yet!

I can't deal with it anymore.....too much insane shit on the series-of-toobs.

Ever heard of Richard Berman? You really should know who that little bastard is. Because his efforts are helping to ruin this country's political system.

I know what Berman needs! He needs Happeh Theory!

Just what Berman (and the internet) does not need: Bacon Today!

Some twit at the Christian Science Monitor is complaining about Washington being destroyed.......in a Call Of Duty game. (Read the comments below it.)

Okay, okay, shaddup already!

This shit planet isn't just shitty for people. Dogs get to taste the shit, too.

I'm with this guy. Fuuuuck Google.

Obama just won the Nobel Peace Prize. Meanwhile, more and more calls for his impeachment --- or a coup -- spew from the right.

Thinking of getting a Prius? Move fast, because a patent troll is trying to get them banned from the United States.

Why does Shining Golden-Shower Amerika need healthcare reform? Partly because of a 1987 Supreme Court decision....."A Los Angeles judge threw out the wrongful-death complaint, saying it was barred by a 1987 U.S. Supreme Court ruling that shields employer-paid healthcare plans from damages over their coverage decisions."

Think how lucky you are, not to be stuck in Oklahoma. (If you ARE stuck in Oklahoma, you suck. I'm talking to you, Mr. Never-Calls-Or-Writes Duncan.)


Blog Hell: thanks to Boing Boing, bloggers won't fucking shut up about sleazy Chicago lawyer and Oak Brook homeowner's association boss Connie Xinos. (There's a rumor going around that 4channers saw this story, and have dedicated themselves to ruining the old bastard's life. Good luck, twits.)

Plus, the gun-toting soccer mom. Blechh. Yer 15 minutes are up.


Insane Artist Corner: Jon McNaughton's painting (note the roll-over comments) wasn't bizarre enough. So some unnamed Photoshop demon made it even more awesome.

Limbaugh isn't funny anymore. Old and cranky, I 'spose.

And if you think I'm alone in my cynicism, have some regard for this crazy old man in a wheelchair.

THAT'S IT I CAN'T TAKE ANYMORE GNAAAG GAAAAAA GAAAGGG GAAAAGGGbjvfpiuhoqenfvoipqwubv